Quests for the Knights of Matilda, Queen of the Britons
  Lists    September 6, 2017     Eric Larkin


In other news, a little girl named Matilda whilst stomping around in a lake in Cornwall found Excalibur and is now ruler of all of Britain.    

We who recognize her true queenship, are duty-bound to go on virtuous quests at her rightful behest. Below, please find a selection of lost items that, if found, would strengthen Queen Matilda’s hand against the forces of darkness. As she goes, so goes the kingdom – so, though Excalibur is powerful and all that (just needs a bit of a polish), it certainly couldn’t hurt to add a few more of these objects to her royal équipage. Here’s the list as it stands now – please, no more than two knights per quest. If someone dies, of course, it’s alright to take over their spot. (This will definitely happen, so be patient.)


These just look like fun. – from Thijs Kinkhorst

7 League Boots – Matilda Regina is a bit small, shorter even than her own sword, mighty Excalibur. As a result, her stride is limited (quite). These “legendary” boots, which allow the wearer to move 7(!) leagues with every step, will come in quite handy for Her Royal Highness when she needs to move about her realm, and mostly it will be nice for her not to have to rely on mum and da for rides places. These are seen all throughout European folk tales, so just head over there and keep an eye out for exceptionally mobile pedestrians. 



For even longer distances, the gift of flight would certainly make our queen’s job easier. Find Freya’s Falcon Cloak, and – well, first of all, it’s pretty darn attractive, just as an accessory – she will have the ability to fly in the form of a falcon. A reminder when dealing with the gods of the North: no matter what, do not trust Loki. You can see this elegant cape in action in Neil Gaiman’s Norse Mythology


For whatever reason, Freya lent her cloak to Loki.



This is the essential text on the Monkey King. Read this on your way to China.


A sword is often overkill, and sometimes tough to carry into places like airports, so it would be nice if our queen had at least one other option when doling out royal arse-whoopings. The Ruyi Jingu Bang – that is, The Quite Willing Gold Ringéd Noggin Thumper – of the great Sun Wukong of China would do the trick nicely. This famous iron staff can grow really huge or really tiny, depending on the wishes of its wielder – so Her Majesty can keep it conveniently tucked behind her ear, just like the Monkey King himself, until she has need of it.




Amongst other books, you can learn a little about the Hand of Glory right here in the Chamber of Secrets.

There could be more than one Hand of Glory, so it might be the easiest of these objects to acquire. You probably know what this is, but as a refresher: a Hand of Glory is the severed left hand – dried & pickled – of a thief and/or murderer – preferably one who was hanged, having at least one finger replaced with a candle (extra credit if the candle is made with the dead thief and/or murderer’s own fat). This little doo-dad would be indispensable for any little girl, no less a queen, as it opens any door, cannot be blown out except by she who holds it, and can freeze in place anyone within its reach. Think of the extra measure of security provided by this one, simple item. Again, probably there are more than one of these floating around — actually, you could probably make one. Just bring one back, no questions ask, and we’ll call it square.


Maybe not the best option for QM

The Helm of Darkness, also known by its less dramatic name The Cap of Invisibility, turns its wearer invisible. Oftentimes rulers like to walk anonymously amongst their subjects – a la Henry V – in order to better understand their ground-level reality. How much easier would this be if Queen Matilda could forego all the fancy disguises – fake beards and such – and just pop this thing on her blesséd head? This item has belonged to both Hades and Athena, so you’ll want to start your search in Greece.

Hm. Come to think of it, a large helmet might not be the best choice for our diminutive queen. You’re going to Greece anyway: search for the Ring of Gyges instead. Details in Plato, but it’s basically an invisibility ring – and surely Matilda the First has the moral fortitude to resist the temptations of invisibility, unlike the protag of the Wells novel. 


Of exceptional difficulty would be tracking down the Cintamani Stone. This is the wish-granting sacred jewel of Hindu and Buddhist lore, possibly originating somewhere in outer space. Its location is not a total mystery, theoretically, though it has spent time in a variety of places, like in a big fish or with the dragon king. Currently, it should be in the City of Shambhala. Wherever that is. Find Shambhala, and you’ll find the Cintamani Stone. I mean, she has us to grant her every wish, but for things more towards the impossible end of the spectrum, a magic rock would be handy.  


Alexander the Great holding what may or may not be the Cup of Jamshid.

One or both of these cups would be great as well:

– The Cup of Jamshid: the scrying and immortality-promoting cup of the 4th king of the world, Jamshid the Persian

– The Holy Grail: possibly the cup Christ used at the last supper, possibly dispensing youth like a beverage

Again, either/or — though really, there are a lot of magic cups floating around out there – just come back with something unique to hold Matilda Q’s root beer.




Slow down for a second; this one is different. Proceed with caution.

Full disclosure on this item: The Book of Thoth is cursed. Don’t do this quest unless none of the others are left – and that’s what you get for showing up late. The uses of this ancient Egyptian book are precisely two: a spell granting the ability to understand the gods and a spell granting the ability to understand animals. Since that covers so much ground, it is obviously worth the risk to your life and/or sanity. No need to be intimidated, however. Simply fetch this book out of its locked boxes which are guarded by deadly serpents at the bottom of the Nile


This dangerous nugget pops up in everything from Zora Neale Hurston’s Moses, Man of the Mountain to Rick Riordan’s The Serpent’s Shadow.





Okay, that is the list for now. We may add to it later, but these are enough to get us started on some exciting reputation-building challenges. Choose your quest, and go – off with thee – to win renown for yourself and greater glory for Queen Matilda, long may she live.



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