Being read to as a child is a pretty universal experience. It’s never the same as an adult, but if done by a professional [note: not by the author of the book, in most cases] it can still be pretty great. It’s not merely that the professional is famous and that somehow makes it novel. No. It is that certain people have the equipment, training and experience to make story time feel as awe-inspiring as it did when you were 5. There are some classics already extant: Johnny Cash reading the Bible (from Revelation – holy cow), John Cleese reading The Screwtape Letters brilliantly, and of course Samuel L Jackson reading Go the F*ck to Sleep. These have been done, but who else do we want to read us stories?
If we’ve started the day off badly, and it’s only 7:30 am, it would be nice if Gaten Matarazzo (the kid from Stranger Things) came over for toaster waffles with Hershey’s chocolate syrup and marshmallows. He could read us Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. I imagine that would un-funk our mood and get our asses to school.
Meryl Streep should read us Virginia Woolf. I suppose Mrs Dalloway is the obvious choice, not just because of The Hours, but because she would be so clear and specific with that stream-of-consciousness thing.
Could we somehow get Michelle Rodriguez to read us The Hunger Games? Zoe Saldana would be great, too. Or Maisie Williams. They could each read one of the trilogy.
Robert Downey Jr should read us Infinite Jest. He would have no problem handling the 3000 characters, has a sort of youthfulness that would come in handy with the younger characters and has legit drug cred. We could prob even ask him questions about those bits.
She’s not necessarily a professional, but if Michelle Obama would read us A Wrinkle in Time, that would be the best.
It’s not really a story, but considering all that’s going on right now, it would be great if Alfre Woodard read us Sojourner Truth’s Ain’t I a Woman?
Oh – well, now – it’s our lucky day – cuz here she is doing exactly that.
It would be nice if Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman would come over and read us some Sherlock Holmes stories. We have tea and biscuits.
Another one that’s not a story: we could open a bottle of wine, and ask George Takei to read us sonnets of the Shakespearean variety. If Patrick Stewart was there, well naturally, they could take turns. And if Patrick was there, it is likely that Ian would also be there, so actually we would need more than one bottle of wine.
Lady Gaga could come over for our pajama party and read us Pippi Longstocking.
Morgan Freeman can pick anything off the shelf he wants including that medical insurance policy brochure we keep forgetting to file. Anything. Just let us get our jammies on first.
Then we have dreams where David Bowie reads us Alice in Wonderland and Prince reads us fondue recipes.