DON’T PANIC, It’s Towel Day
  Lists    May 24, 2016     Eric Larkin


Shortly after the death of Douglas Adams, author of the 5 volume Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy trilogy, fans and people with nothing better to do from across the universe arbitrarily selected May 25th to be Towel Day.  If Adams taught us anything – and that’s a real “if”, not a rhetorical “if”, because no one is sure if he did or not – it is that second to the skinny hose attachment of a classic Kirby 1-CR vacuum cleaner, the single most useful item for any space traveler or potential space traveler, which two groups literally comprise the entire ambulatory population of the universe, is a towel.

Ergo, Towel Day.  Because we honor Douglas Adams with our preparedness.

And since Earth, or whatever version of the original Earth we might possibly be living on, is daily threatened by the recent increase in galactic commuter traffic, we do not have a lot of time to celebrate. In fact, we have zero time to celebrate. We are doing fine if we just stay this side of PANIC. Here are a few celebration substitutes that should do the trick:


  1. Practice your moistened-towel combat techniques. I have no idea what this would entail, but experiment and practice whatever you think might work in a fight. Maybe try “snapping” or “smothering”.


  1. Compose a poem in the Vogon style. The important thing here is that it has to be worse than any poetry in the universe except that of the Azgoths of Kria and that of Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Essex. Find the sweet spot.


  1. Refresh your emergency towel supply. You’ve got your Every Day Carry towel, right? Check for fraying, freshness and absorbability. Double-check all your backup-towel stashes. In particular, swap out the one that’s been in the trunk of your car since last year. Wait – you don’t have backup towels!? Come on now: there’s safety in redundancy – like, say, having a spare head.


  1. Meditate on 42. We may not have all the questions, but we have the answer, and that should give you some comfort. Or not.


  1. Thank a dolphin for all their hard work in saving us. Or at least, for replacing Earth. If you can find a firey hoop, and then jump thru it a few times, they really love that.


  1. Do something good for the computer on which we live; it’s what Douglas Adams would do.


That’s about all you’ll have time for, as – oh no, not again – the Krikkit robots of Hactar are back. On the other hand – DON’T PANIC – there is always time for…


  1. Lunch at Milliways!


Enjoy the rest of Towel Day, and remember, if you see a planet-shaped object heading towards you with intent, duck.





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